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My Jeans….

Transparency. This is me -59.6 lbs in my monumental jeans (30 lbs to go)

May not be a big deal for a lot of humans, for me the picture of me in these jeans is monumental. A little background. I was raised in Apostolic Pentecostalism. This is a very strict fundamentalist religion. As a female, child in this walk I was unable to wear pants as they were identified as “men’s clothing” with a lot of other rules as part of the “holiness standards”. I married at twenty one, became a mother at twenty five. My marriage, dating was unhealthy and we divorced when I was thirtyfour. While unhealthy, the blessing is my two wonderful sons. They are a gift, so living with no regrets. My core is God fearing, loving. I do not wish to cast blame or harm on this church or group, just sharing me, my experience giving background on the significance of this monumental “jean” moment.

The monumentalism of these jeans has been in the forefront of my mind the closer I have come to fitting into them. Since June, 2020 I have been on a journey releasing physical weight on Brightline Eating, in doing so I have begun examing different parts of me. This has been done through the readings of Boundaries for Your Soul; Cook, Miller, 2018 and currently Atomic Habits, Clear, 2018. These jeans were purchased in 2004, when I got into my right sized body for the first time in years, confronting issues within my marriage, standing up for myself and leaving my marriage.

In 2011 I was able to fit into these jeans again. I got into my right sized body, feeling my best for the first time since my divorce. I fell off a horse while riding with a friend and my youngest, broke my humerus, went through surgery, gaining all of my weight back yet obtaining my master’s degree, beginning the Phd journey.

What is a thought is that each of these shifts occurred first with return to my right sized body. While the scale is an indicator, these jeans represent my benchmark. When I fit into them I feel like I have come home, find myself, am empowered. Silly right? Until you read and begin to understand keystone behaviors or atomic habits how these shifts occur when we shift/change keystone/atomic habits.

In releasing my fifty-nine point six pounds people often ask me why it has happened now? What is the secret? Not knowing I have begun to research, seeking answers. What I have found, will continue to learn about is the shift of my keystone behaviors. I have shifted/changed these habits, thus shifting my paradigm. The evidence is going from a size fourteen, sixteen to a size six,eight, transformation of my house, work on the completions of my Phd, to name a few.

Moving forward I will continue to learn about this topic. It is fascinating to me. I also feel compelled to sustain this transformation. At each major shift in my life I have found empowerment when finding/returning to my right sized body, my jeans. My question becomes what will occur when I maintain/sustain this change? I am excited to find out. Feeling profound gratitude for this journey, learning and growing.

Thanks for reading. I would love to hear from you, thoughts and insights… Love to all!

It is Gonna be OK

It is Gonna Be Ok

I am so sick of saying this

How many times have I said it this year?

How many times have I said it today?

This has to be my mantra as of late…

What does it mean?

Really?

Are we gonna be ok?

What is ok?

Someone please lay it out for me…

Our new norm is…

Ok in the new is…

Virtual work

Virtual learning

Hybrid learning

Virtual meetings

Virtual college

Virtual tutoring

Daycares open

Daycares closed

Hospitals full to capacity

It is gonna be ok….

You have been exposed to COVID

Can’t tell you who

Can’t tell you when

You were not in direct contact

You are going to be ok

No more hybrid learning

All virtual

Too many COVID cases

Wear a mask

Wash your hands

Social distance

You are gonna be OK

WTF

Really

What is ok?

Oh I want to be positive

I hear myself assurring others

Inside it’s

WTF

Really

What is OK?

It will be I know

just….

WHEN???

What does Ok look like?

Listening

Leaning in

Morning meditations

Autumn by Vivaldi

Candles lit

Daily eating making three bright meals

Researching

Reading

Listening

Working

Running

Resting

Tears of joy, frustration

Transforming

Laughing

Delighting in simplicity

Admiring nature

Conversations; fun, difficult, challenging

Listening to self, others

Reflecting

Contemplating

Life, what a beautiful gift

Profound gratitude for all that is

I loved today

A quiet Sunday

Slow groggy start

Breakfast, lunch and dinner in my PJs

Good book

Candles burning

Snuggles with my doggos

Leisurely brisk walks

Cleaning

Laundry

Shopping (in my pjs)

Chat with my sister

Conversation with my eldest

Sipping hot tea

Texts from my youngest

Zoom call with new friends

Snuggled up with with my book

Sipping hot tea

Candles burning

I loved my day

Tomorrow’s Monday…..

Final October Run, Final Thoughts

Wally, Suzanne, Sophie…. I honor you. Wally passed on three weeks ago. He was my next door neighbor for the past fifteen years. He was a quiet, retired handyman. He loved to fix my lawn mower, snow blower, always puttering around in his yard. Last year my garage door broke so he came over to see if he could fix it. Unable to fix it he resorted to sitting in garage and sharing with me the story of his wife. How she had been diagnosed with breast cancer, survived treatments to lay down on couch, sleep and never wake up. We wept together over his loss, how much he missed her, his anger over his loss. I will never forget that conversation. His deep love for his beloved, loss and anger caused by this disease. A quiet, kind man who woke up every day for over twenty years mourning his beloved. I know they are reunited, happily looking down on us as we carry on.

Suzanne, my dear friend. You are one of my heros. Zen, peace, beauty, dignity words that describe your journey. Walking into your classroom was a gift for your students and colleagues. Never a complaint, always peace, love radiating from you as you battled this disease. Thank you for sharing your journey. I hate the hurts, admire your strength. Thankful for your wisdom and survival.

Sophie, my dear friend and neighbor. You survived cancer to lose your life to pneumonia, not uncommon after battling as you did. Training with you as you built back yourself after undergoing chemo and radiation. Your strength was a pillar for me. I miss you, Max misses you.

Today, each day as I ran your memories fueled me, as did others who are battling, survivived and passed on. I honor you, today and every day. May we find a cure for this beast. Love to all.

I doubled my goal. Not much in light of all others have endured, yet in my way I have honored those I love.

When Pigs Fly…upside down

When Pigs Fly… upside down

It was 40 degrees out. I was cold since losing 54lbs, cannot seem to get warm but I needed to run,no rain, no snow, sunshine. Reluctantly I got in my car and drove to the lakefront. I was bundled up, tanktop, long sleeve fleece top, fleece lined leggings, fleece hoodie, hat and gloves. I really did not believe I could run. Started out slow, shiverery.

Walking, got to the end of the path and began to run. Miraculously, it felt good, honestly, joy filled my being. There was a sailboat on the lake, walkers, dog walkers and beautiful trees with leaves dancing to the ground, the sun shining. With each step I felt more radiant. Until I didn’t, about half way, everything became a chore. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, breathing was hard, the cold wind was blowing into my face. Miserable.

I started to thank my hands, legs, heart, muscles, lungs, brain. All of me working together so I could run in the cold. A shift occurred and my body picked up speed, a smile covered my face and literally I was running. My mind went back to a May walk when I weighed 225 lbs. I walked with a friend of mine. When I got home my toes were covered in blood blisters. The balls of my feet black with blood blisters, terrified I began to read about what this could be. I learned about diabetes. I was morbidly obese. The same day I read about a healthy 30 year old man who lived not too far from me dying from COVID, his only possible health problem was his obesity. I was terrified.

I began to pray for God to help me find a way to lose my weight, the weight I had been carrying, fighting with forever…. My friend and I started walking every morning at 6:30 am. God heard me, through my sister I was given the fourteen day challenge from Bright Line Eating. I began on June 21.

My feet healed, in Aug I was walking and a thought crossed my mind, “You can run.” It started with a block, turned into another until today I ran 4.7 miles.

If you asked me if I would ever be able to run in May, my response would have been when pigs fly. Walking was tough, my knees hurt, feet were black with blisters from a short walk. So today when my run ended and I was walking to the car, the kite flying high in the sky today, upside down pig, totally appropriate, message for me. Thanks God it made my day. Today…. Miraculous, a gift!

Gratitude

Gratitude

Friday off, it is rainy, cold and dreary. My blessings are many;

I woke up
a hot cup of java
books to read
Max, doggo snuggles
House, roof over my head
Heat
Bed
Food
Family and friends

These are a few of my many. Recently our administrative assistant at our school was diagnosed with lymphoma. So today as I sit here, writing, snuggling with my ol’ doggo I am filled with gratitude for my health, all that I have. It is a blessing to have a day to snuggle in, recount my blessings. I have run a total of 57.22 miles so far for breast cancer awareness, honoring and remembering those I love, hold in high regard who have battled won and lost to this disease. My heart is full of gratitude for all that is. Good and bad fill every day. Don’t like the bad, yet it shapes me, creating a grateful heart for all that is. Learning from the hard times, growing, becoming a better human because of it. Thankful for the here and now, living one day at a time, (ODDAT), one moment at a time… Life, all that is, gratitude. Breathe in, this is the day the Lord has made, Breathe out, I will rejoice and be glad in it. Not exempt from the bad, celebrating each moment with gratitude, alive and well.

Love to all, may your heart be filled to overflowing!

I am…

On the way to work this morning I listened to my favorite meditation. Here is the link. It is one I listen to frequently. I found it one Sunday morning after a run. I didn’t want to leave the lakefront so I sat on a bench enjoying the sunrise, listening.

October Running 3; An homage to those who have passed on or survived breast cancer

It was fall, my eldest son was newborn and I was a young educator teaching in an urban public school. I was blessed to have a wonderful position at an early childhood specialty school. We had wonderful administrative staff, our program coordinator, Betty was amazing. Always impeccably dressed she mentored us. I respected her, enjoyed conversations, and learned much everytime she entered my room. She often attended our family meetings (group collaborations, we worked in pods/families).

One meeting everyone left the table and it was just me and Betty. We got into conversation about the year, she asked about being a young mother, shared her experiences with her children when they were the age of mine and her current stage as a parent of an adolescent. As we dove deeper into conversation she shared with me how she was going through breast cancer, some days she just was exhausted, laughingly she lowered the neckline of her blouse a bit and showed lines drawn on her from her treatments. In her sharing I felt admiration, knowing that my exhaustion of motherhood was nothing compared to Betty’s. I leaned into her strength knowing that if she was able to mother, do her treatments and continue on so could I.

This conversation stayed with me, Betty was the first survivor I knew. She battled this beast with grace and dignity mentoring us young educators, mothers showing us how to face each challenge head on. That year our librarian and a student teacher all battled this same beast. Three women, one building, all surviving leaning in and educating not just the students but a young staff. I moved on to other programs, and have lived many lives since those first years of teaching, yet Betty’s stories and those from my early teaching years are a part of my fabric. I stand on their shoulders each and every day as I face the challenges of mothering, educating and mentoring.

Thanks ladies for sharing your stories, facing your challenges and overcoming. I am running for you, honoring you with each breath, mile along this journey. May we overcome this beast.

If you have a story I would love to hear it. Share with me here or email me at marietta.luckman@gmail.com. Here is the link to the 35 mile walk I am doing. https://www.facebook.com/donate/4042621132431443/  You can join me by walking/running with me, by donating or just remembering, honoring those you know who have survived or passed on.

This is my way, as I run I will be remembering, honoring, writing about the family, friends who have passed on or survived this breast, cancer, the stories, lives that have shaped me. Standing on their shoulders, hoping to honor them. Somehow this year it seems more important than ever…. Love to all! You are beautiful, we are blessed you are here. You matter, love to all.

October Running 2; An homage to those who have passed on or survived breast cancer

That call, text you never want to get. The one where someone you love shares news about a recent diagnosis.This past Saturday was that day. The text read; Very sad news tonight; Bev was diagnosed with breast cancer, crying emoji. My heart sank, Wow. Maybe this was why I have felt so compelled to run this year. I sat and stared at it for a bit. How to respond? Grandma Newstrand, Aunt Carol and now Aunt Bev. Just Wow.

Grandma Newstrand was the first of my loved ones diagnosed. Then Aunt Carol and now Aunt Bev. When does it end? Does it stop? We have gotten better at managing it, talking about it, educating ourselves, others, supporting, some survive, others do not. Just Wow.

Not much to say. Aunt Carol was a beautiful soul. A pastor’s wife, grandmother, wife, sister and mom. She loved to play the piano, read, sing, cook and laugh. Always a smile, always a laugh. My mom’s best friend. She passed on. Left Uncle Glen devastated, he followed a couple years later, heart broken, unable to carry on.

Now Aunt Bev. A retired hospice nurse, symphonic violinist, gardner, grandmother, mom, sister. My mom’s best friend. Beautiful soul, wise, loved. I love you auntie, don’t really know what to say….

Running to honor you, standing on your shoulders, you are a part of me, my story.. You are loved, so thankful for your stories, your laughter and your love. Recently my niece was sick, auntie called with words of wisdom on how to care for her. So concerned, so full of compassion and care.

If you have a story I would love to hear it. Share with me here or email me at marietta.luckman@gmail.com. Here is the link to the 35 mile walk I am doing. https://www.facebook.com/donate/4042621132431443/  You can join me by walking/running with me or by donating or just remembering, honoring those you know who have survived or passed on. Making a difference one mile at a time!

This is my way, as I run I will be remembering, honoring, writing about the family, friends who have passed on or survived this beast, cancer, the stories, lives that have shaped me. Standing on their shoulders, hoping to honor them. Somehow this year it seems more important than ever…. Love to all! You are beautiful, we are blessed you are here. You matter, love to all.