Connoisseur of the good

Connoisseur of the good

Why am I a connoisseur of the good? Why is my gratitude list at 9014? Why do I drive to the lake everyday and run? Why do I have pictures of the heavens? When life is dark, why am I compelled to draw hearts and flowers, light? These were the questions that raced through my head as my eyes opened this am? God am I crazy? Life SUCKS right now for so many… I love you, fill me with You. Before my feet hit the floor I surrender my day, mind and heart. You are my breath, my core, my all in all. I do not know what today holds, yet I know You hold my hand. Together we got this thing called LIFE, boy, is it lifey right now.

So, Gus and I walk, God and I talk. There are no actual words, I am weary yet I look up. I see the sunrise, I feel the light penetrate my soul. Oh You are a good God. Coming inside I get my coffee, open my journal and write:

9009 Sun came up today, thanx God
9010 I woke up today, thanx God
9011 Gus and I were able to walk, thanx God
9012 My blueberry lava cake was fabulous, thanx God.
9013 I love You Jesus, All of me loves All of YOU. Thanx God.
9014 Thank you Jesus for showing me the WHY. pg 52 Anxious for Nothing, Max Lucado

Call me crazy, maybe I am. My heart is bursting with excitement as I celebrate today. In my office I have a quote, “Staying positive doesn’t mean things will turn out ok. Rather it is knowing you will be okay no matter how things turn out.” How do I know? I know the author and finisher of today. He is walking with me, talking with me, navigating my path with me. How? How?

Before I share how, let me tell you this, I have laid on my bathroom floor with all of the bottles of meds sitting around me. I have contemplated taking my life on more than one occasion. I have wrestled with depression, I have stared it in the eyes. I have drank, smoked, sexed, eaten my way through many days. Darkness is no stranger to me, I have lived there many a day. Not for awhile, but I know the depths of despair. I know what it is to lay on the ground wracked in sobs, lay in bed with pain in my chest feeling like death. But God, the psalmist states “If I ascend into the heavens, thou art there, if I make my bed in hell, thou art there (KJV).” He has lifted me out of my despair on more than one occasion, whispering his name, “Jesus,” has given me strength. His words flood my mind, eventually lifting off the ground, putting the meds back I would find my way to Him, life.

So the how, the magnificent, beautiful HOW, is simple. “Your word is a lamp unto my path, a light unto my path.” (Ps. 119:105) Many nights I lay in bed clutching my Bible, my only relief. I lay my head on it quoting His promises, over and over until relief came. I have learned to walk into the bookstore praying, asking for His guidance, lead me Father, show me the way. He always leads me to just the right book at just the right time.

I will say I no longer contemplate death, I no longer lay on my floor a puddled mass of despair. I have learned to live in gratitude, breathe in Jesus, breathe out despair, breathe in Jesus, breath out despair. He is my salvation, my savior, my all in all.

This morning was a moment of despair. I could have fed the beast of anxiety, depression but God… before my feet hit the ground I began my habit stack. Raising my hands to heaven I whispered, “Thank You God for today, I surrender my heart, my mind all to You. Fill me with You, enable me to honor You in all I say and do.” Making coffee I whispered, “Thank you Jesus for today. I love You with all of me.” Walking Gus I looked into the heavens, “Jesus, thank You for today, another breath, another moment. I love You.” I ate my breakfast breathing, “Thank You Jesus for this food, I have all I need to sustain me.” I opened His word, devoured His promises, did my Yoga, “Thanks God for Your words, they bring nourishment to my soul. Thank you for allowing my body to stretch, flex and move.”

Then I opened Max Lucado’s book Anxious for Nothing. On page 52 I read about the amygdalae (a-myg-dool). God placed these two almond shaped neural clusters inside my brain. They alert my body to danger, cause me to react before I even know why. They replenish themselves with dopamine and serotonin. They restore joy and peace within me. When Paul urged us to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Phil 4:4). He was instructing us in stress management. The simple act of gratitude restores our soul. He is the author of our days, creator of our universe. He knows our name, numbers the hairs on our head. Breathe in Jesus, breathe out anxiety. “He restores my soul, yea though I walk through the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for thou art with me” (Ps. 23). Breathe in Jesus, breathe out anxiety.

Simple, not a chance. Attainable, one step at a time, absolutely. I have written out His promises, claim them, carry them with me, have slept with my arms wrapped around His Word, under my pillow. Depression has no hold on me, anxiety has lost its grip. Why? I have a savior. His name is Jesus, 9014 gratitudes, the list is ever growing. Look up, witness His handiwork. His glory is all around us, in us, alive and well. Count your many blessings, name them one by one.

The sunrise
I woke up
I am able to walk
Breath fills my lungs

Begin your list today, be changed forever, one gratitude at a time, breathe in Jesus, breathe out anxiety. It is a choice. I choose to be a connoisseur of the good, You?