Reflections

  Today is a day of reflection, my baby is 21. Wow, how time flies. I remember the day he was born. My eldest was five, I was 31, married, just moved into our dream home that we had built, life looked great. Looked is the opportune word here. On the outside our life looked great on the inside it was falling about, we were in ruins. 

     No regrets. Looking into the eyes of my newborn, no regrets, life is good. Birth was difficult, what I learned alone in the hours following was how to pray, to lean into a God who never fails, loves and is there in the darkest of hours. The nurses were concerned with my baby as he was lethargic, they threw around terms that were terrifying for an educator, young mother. He had a heart murmur, seemingly low muscle tone… I asked to hold him, when holding him I prayed like I had never prayed before. 

     The next day the pediatrician came in and instructed me not to worry. To take him home, monitor him, love him and come visit her again in six weeks. “Let’s give him the gift of time,” I remember her saying, he has been through a lot, he is a big baby and had to enter this world. We took him home. I nursed him, held him and prayed like never before. His murmur closed up, his low muscle tone was never an issue and nope he had no other ramifications. You could say it is just because. I know it is because of a God who heard a mama’s prayers. This imperfect mama. Nothing perfect about me nor the days ahead. 

     When that baby boy was four I divorced his dad. Terrified I became a single mom of two amazing young men. What a shit show, lol. Language may seem rough but there is not a nice way to say it. Life for a long time was just ugly, dark but we made it. Now on the other side, still imperfect but on the other side. Reflecting on the heartache, growing pains, wouldn’t trade it, we are tough, resilient, thankful for all the lessons, love, knowing. We made it. Love my guys, life, imperfect though it is, we have life, we are here, alive, thriving.

    Today, what a gift. My baby is 21, finishing his junior year of college. Has an internship beginning in May, on track to graduate May 2022. My eldest, mutual fund accountant, is moving into a new apartment. I am editing my dissertation, final chapter written, first draft almost submissible. We have all lived through and so far survived a global pandemic, divorce, many ups, many downs, successes, missteps…life. Stronger because of each one, moving forward, learning, loving, growing. Life, never easy, never perfect yet we are here, thriving, living, blessed beyond measure.  Imperfect, alive, thriving. What I know for sure:

• Prayer works
• Darkness does not last forever (motto from first pregnancy: this too shall pass..applied to many a day)
• Change happens whether we like it, are ready for it or not
• Life is good, celebrate today, each moment, each breath is a gift! 

Love to all! You got this, today and always. Enjoy the ride.